Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
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Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.