I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
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*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Cheers Twitter.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up