Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.