@thebeckyard

My mom said if I try to storm Area 51 that I’m grounded, so I guess I’m out, you guys.

@thebeckyard

My 15 yo told me he is going to someday name his daughter “May” and it will be short for Mayonnaise but nobody will know.

I couldn’t be more proud.

@thebeckyard

Always carry $10,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feeling like getting a meal at an airport.

@thebeckyard

I see you are eating seafood at a midwest Chinese buffet. I, too, like to live dangerously.

@thebeckyard

“Mom, you need to calm down with how much cheese you’ve been buying.”

*silently writes him out of my will*

@thebeckyard

Angry beavers can’t get our packaging open, but go ahead and try in your weakened state lol

-cold medicine companies

@thebeckyard

Welcome to your 40s! Your body will do new and exciting things such as sneeze-pee, yawn-burp, and light speed chin hair growth.

@thebeckyard

Accidentally used 13’s shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.

@thebeckyard

Me: Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your house!

Olive Garden server: Please stop! I’ll bring more cheese to grate!