How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…