“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!