Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.