Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?