I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.