I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
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*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden: