ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
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Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
what’s really going on
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.