A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
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Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I can also cook 😂
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.