Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
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*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
ibopfufen
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT