Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
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Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
love it when they get my name right
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Stonehinge
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this