Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of thedad's best tweets

@thedad : My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

@thedad: Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

@thedad: son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

@thedad: BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

@thedad: If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

@thedad: Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

@thedad: The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

@thedad: WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

@thedad: Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

@thedad: Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear