Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
ME: Ugh, the cat left another one by our bed.
HER: He thinks it’s a gift! I’ll clean it up.
ME: It’s fine, I’ll do it. *Carefully scooping up notated articles on how cats were revered in Egypt*
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I love saying “were you born in a barn?” when my kids leave a door open because it also leaves them wondering “do barns not have doors?” and “why doesn’t dad know where I was born?”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Wife: um our son has drawn a picture of Batman and Spider-Man beating someone up
Me: Oh no that’s so wrong!
Wife: I know!
Me: You don’t mix up Marvel and DC
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526