@thedad: Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
@thedad: Me: *showing photos on my phone* that's my daughter in her play, and that's my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that's my Porsche
Me: Let's not do this anymore
@thedad: Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
@thedad: [inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
God: nobody knows
@thedad: Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
@thedad: *i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
@thedad: Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
@thedad: Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk