Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?


wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok


ME: Ugh, the cat left another one by our bed.

HER: He thinks it’s a gift! I’ll clean it up.

ME: It’s fine, I’ll do it. *Carefully scooping up notated articles on how cats were revered in Egypt*


Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?


I love saying “were you born in a barn?” when my kids leave a door open because it also leaves them wondering “do barns not have doors?” and “why doesn’t dad know where I was born?”


Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.


Wife: um our son has drawn a picture of Batman and Spider-Man beating someone up

Me: Oh no that’s so wrong!

Wife: I know!

Me: You don’t mix up Marvel and DC


My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.


Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.


son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526