grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
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Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.