Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
7: Empire Strikes Back?
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
6: Nevermind, Siri…
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
God: They’re called mosquitos
Angel: I see
God: They suck people’s blood
Angel: And this somehow helps preserve a delicate ecosystem?
God: *shrugs* Makes em itch
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.