Funny Tweeter

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Page of thedadvocate01's best tweets

@thedadvocate01 : Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

@thedadvocate01: I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

@thedadvocate01: Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

@thedadvocate01: Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that...no

@thedadvocate01: What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

@thedadvocate01: People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need... the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

@thedadvocate01: Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95

@thedadvocate01: “You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

@thedadvocate01: Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

@thedadvocate01: Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him