Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of thedadvocate01's best tweets

@thedadvocate01 : Dentist: Any sensitivities? Me: I don’t like being called names Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy Me: *tearing up* Dude

@thedadvocate01: Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

@thedadvocate01: Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

@thedadvocate01: Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

@thedadvocate01: You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

@thedadvocate01: Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!