@thedadvocate01: Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
@thedadvocate01: Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
@thedadvocate01: Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
@thedadvocate01: You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
@thedadvocate01: Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!