[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
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*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
If a snake ate a cake
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
12. I think about this all the damn time
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.