You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
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[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
#DesignFail
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Customer is always right
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes