[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
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Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
the battle rages on
Challenge accepted.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.