I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
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My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
DOOO EEEET
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.