The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
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Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America