Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
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Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
the red hot silly peppers
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder