Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes