A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
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In space, no one can hear…
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Don’t tell me what to do
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I think they could have phrased this better
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.