I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
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“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Krampus.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals