How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
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Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Only Americans understand
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?