*lying in bed
This is life. I don’t think I’ll ever get out of bed again.
*five minutes later
I gotta pee.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I was walking on the beach with my gf until my drugs wore off and I realised that I was dragging around a stolen mannequin.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?