My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
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Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.