#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
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They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S