I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Dolls on drugs
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
*aggressively skips to my Lou*