wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
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Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people