@thejamietighe: Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You're not even guessing.
@thejamietighe: *cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I've been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
@thejamietighe: Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: 'How To Kidnap A Coworker'
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
@thejamietighe: Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
@thejamietighe: *rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I'm late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
Me:That'll be the zoo.
@thejamietighe: Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who's ready for music?
You have tetanus
@thejamietighe: In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
@thejamietighe: *turns off life support*
*turns it back on*
Me: How's she now?
Him: Are you sure you're a doctor?
Me: Doct... No, I'm from IT.