Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
?When the moon hits your eye?
You’ll be killed.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
You have tetanus
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
*turns off life support*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.