Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
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Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD