Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
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New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Mornin
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter