Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.