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“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe