Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
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Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.