You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
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If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”