My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
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A drum solo but on your face.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.