Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
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Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.