Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
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When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Me too 😆