I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
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The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
lmao
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to