Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
$3 #books
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!