In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
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Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Life with a cat in one tweet
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
New favorite tiktok
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you