What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
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[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.