I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Some of y’all tomorrow …
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.