5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
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me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
fair
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Hit me in the face with a bird
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own