@themorris23: Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
@themorris23: *Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
@themorris23: If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like "whatever Jesus, the book was better."
@themorris23: To all the "cougars" out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves "Thundercats" shame. on. you.
@themorris23: On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
@themorris23: Octopus 1-you up for tennis?
Octopus 2- I cant my tennis elbows are actin up again
Octo1-..we dont have elb
Octo2- I DONT WANNA PLAY CARL
@themorris23: My wife calls it "woman's intuition" but I call it "not clearing your browser history."
@themorris23: I use the word "thingy" when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the "thingy's?"
Wife- ...you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
@themorris23: Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: "Toast"