@themorris23

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

@themorris23

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

@themorris23

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

@themorris23

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

@themorris23

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

@themorris23

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

@themorris23

Octopus 1-you up for tennis?

Octopus 2- I cant my tennis elbows are actin up again

Octo1-..we dont have elb

Octo2- I DONT WANNA PLAY CARL

@themorris23

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

@themorris23

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

@themorris23

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”