Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Octopus 1-you up for tennis?
Octopus 2- I cant my tennis elbows are actin up again
Octo1-..we dont have elb
Octo2- I DONT WANNA PLAY CARL
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”