If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
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Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I am never leaving this website
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism